The best holidays used to mean silence and repose. Everyone in the group signed an unspoken contract: you would speak only when necessary (bickering over directions; passively aggressively disciplining another person’s child; hurling a drunken accusation). Preparation was not getting beach body ready, but feigning cloth ears in everyday situations.
Unfortunately, as happens inevitably to everything you like, the quiet holiday is now uncool. This summer, you must travel with a power posse — holidays are the new networking events, and going with a crew (and Instagramming every sunkissed moment) increases the value of your social currency.
Jennifer Aniston and new husband Justin Theroux are on a buddymoon: Aniston’s best pal Courtney Cox has joined them in Bora Bora, as has American comic Jimmy Kimmel and his wife, Molly, and actor Jason Bateman. Jennifer Lawrence is vacay-ing on a boat with female comic of the moment Amy Schumer; Kendall Jenner and fellow model and reality TV spawn Gigi Hadid frolicked in Monaco, also on a boat, earlier this year. George and Amal holiday with Emily Blunt and her husband John Krasinski; Georgia Jagger took pals including Cara and Suki to Vegas last year. Poppy Delevingne’s Moroccan wedding ceremony crescendoed into a group holiday/Instagram photo shoot, starring mates including Alexa Chung, Julia Restoin-Roitfeld and Mary Charteris.
Obviously, this is no fun at all; it is organised fun, where you will have conversations about “kitties” and “wake-up times” that will make you want to start screaming and never, ever stop. At some point during the week, you will be sat next to the dud of the group (boring/pompous/pervy/sad) and you will consider turning on your data and hiring a contract killer.
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How to survive? Saint J-Law rarely falters but really, don’t go on a bloody boat unless you fancy yourself a good swimmer — at some point you will fantasise about throwing yourself overboard. Try to avoid inviting anyone with children, otherwise someone will cry. Couples should holiday with couples, singletons with singletons; otherwise someone will cry. Drink and eat: you will come back bloated, but tolerating with someone’s prissy girlfriend while also pretending you “just don’t get hungry in hot climates” is unsustainable and you will cry.
Work hard, play harder. Then book a real break.
Follow Phoebe Luckhurst on Twitter: @PhoebeLuckhurst
